A Female Hair Removal Adventure
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises
of easy, painless removal
The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully
in my mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get
warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)
and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It
works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move
north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted.
I think
I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on
it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot
still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of
my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the
next BIG mistake...remember my
foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So
I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina?
Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing
worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom
of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless
the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before
and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter - "So,
my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal,
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night!! While we go through various
solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax
off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally
see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and HOLY COW!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I
get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at
this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Visit Directory of All Cartoons • Send
LINK to this Cartoon to a Friend
Cartoon, female hair removal, Toilet Paper, adult humor, adult jokes, bathroom wall sayings
|