Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10
o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We
have digital watches!"
*************************************************************************************
Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"
Tower:"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it
hits a 727?"
*************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
*************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've
got the little Fokker in sight."
*************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What
was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
*************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
*************************************************************************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a
bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
approach."
*************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
in Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war!"
*************************************************************************************
Tower:"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By
the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on
the far end
of the runway."
Tower:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that
report from
Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers."
*************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio
and said, "What
a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another
landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's
gate
parking
location,
but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird,
do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,
have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was
dark, -- And I didn't land."
*************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US
Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn
and came
nose to nose
with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming: "US
Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
D, but get
it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God!
Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half
an hour,
and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted
to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current
state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running
high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't
I married to you once?"
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